I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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