Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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