everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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