Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I need to stop coming to work sober
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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