Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
