while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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