I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
