Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
