Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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