Umm I'm too high to move.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
