I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
