we're chasing vodka with high fives
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He did a backflip because drugs
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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