meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
