Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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