i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
