OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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