Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
