A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
