I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
