If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
we're making bets on your personal life
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
