Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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