The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
