you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.