I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
