The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down