I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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