He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
