i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
