I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
