I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
did you just send me my own nude
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
