Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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