I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I woke up under a house in Key West
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
