WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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