my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
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Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
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By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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