Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
