I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
