if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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