I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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