Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
