No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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