My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
