I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
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