how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
