I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
