pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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