I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
