my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.