Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
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Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
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I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.