a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?