This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
