weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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