You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
