the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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