According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
