Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
