Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
