genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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