i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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