I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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