I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
