I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
